Again?

Yesterday, I took the PHQ-9, which is the short questionnaire that doctors and psych docs give to determine if depression is present. I scored a 6, which means mild.

I’ve felt it for a little over a week. The downward pull towards feeling flat. So far, it’s just been moments each day, not all day every day. It’s actually depression if the symptoms are over the course of two weeks. So maybe I overestimated and my score is less than 6. But even 4 indicates mild depression. And the fact that I took the quiz in the first place is a red flag to me that I’m concerned about my mental health. I’m noticing that something is “off.”

In church this morning, I was wondering “Why?” I’m doing all the right things. I’ve been replacing negative thoughts with God’s truth. I know I’m deeply loved. I’m using my blue-light lamp. I’m writing daily in my gratitude journal. I’m in God’s Word every morning. I’m trying to make healthy food choices, mostly. So what caused this change? Why would it come back?

Maybe it’s that time of year – mid-winter. Even in VA, with warmer weather and more sunshine than in the Midwest, it’s still clearly winter, with all the naked trees and cold winds.

I just read an article that says that January 24th is the hardest day of the year. That’s right around the time I admitted to my husband and best friend that I was struggling.

My first psych doc told me that February is a very hard mental health month. Maybe I’m anticipating that. February has traditionally been a tough month for me. So maybe it’s “mental muscle memory.”

But for whatever reason, I’m fighting depression again. It’s not bad, not yet anyway. I promise not to wait too long, to call my psych doc if it continues. But he’ll just up one of my meds, which I don’t want to do!

I see a new therapist in two days, a Christian counselor. Maybe he’ll be able to help.

In the meantime, I’ll be honest with my husband about how I’m feeling. I’ll keep doing what I’m supposed to be doing to fight it off. I’ll work up the courage to ask others to pray for me, combatting my own feelings of stigma and failure that I didn’t keep it away. I’ll remind myself that I didn’t fail – it’s just something I have to deal with, my cross to bear.

“This, too, shall pass.”

16 thoughts on “Again?

  1. hlhivy February 6, 2019 / 9:23 am

    Peggy, whenever we step out in faith to help others, we often come under a sneak attack of the enemy- relapsing, even slightly, into those issues that make us feel disqualified for the ministry to which we are called. I know you recognize the schemes of the enemy. Don’t let him bring you down- but rejoice that he considers you someone powerful enough to worry about. When you keep speaking truth about God’s love you are tearing others weary from the enemy’s grasp. Stand firm and hold on. This is just confirmation that you are a powerful warrior! I am so encouraged by your writing and openness; thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • peggyricewi February 6, 2019 / 9:42 am

      Thank you. You’re right, I’m not unaware that it’s s spiritual battle. Satan knows my weaknesses. Thanks for the reminder that I am a warrior!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Mary Bartos January 29, 2019 / 11:03 am

    Praying for Sonshine and Sunshine to flow through your heart and mind toward peace and flowers!
    Blessings, MAry B

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Jane E Kelly January 28, 2019 / 12:57 am

    Proud of you for taking the test. I know when I heard you describe your mood as “flat” that was a red flag. You are doing all the right things. Continuing to pray for you as you await the new counselor and specifically the armor of God as you minister to others. It WILL be ok. HE is with you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • peggyricewi January 28, 2019 / 3:37 am

      Love you! Thanks for praying the armor for me!

      Like

  4. kbailey374 January 27, 2019 / 7:40 pm

    I am remembering that “this” is not all the time, that the past year was mostly good, and it will be again. Promise (I am promising myself as well). Meanwhile we just have to work a little harder at believing, because really that’s what it comes down to: believing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • peggyricewi January 27, 2019 / 7:43 pm

      You are so right. Believing it will pass, because it always has before. God is with me in it, and He’s with you, too!

      Like

  5. Patsy January 27, 2019 / 3:17 pm

    Oh Peggy I’m so sorry you are dealing with this again even though it isn’t terrible, do keep doing the right things and text or call your Mother. We Mothers worry about our little girls… Tina struggles too and it has been more of an adjustment moving to MO than any of us thought it would be for her. I sure do love being able to drop in for a quick visit when I go to town for an appointment. She has been in TX this week and i have missed her. You two need to talk…

    Liked by 1 person

    • peggyricewi January 27, 2019 / 3:21 pm

      Thanks, Patsy. It’s just something that comes and goes for me.
      I’m sorry Tina is struggling. One of my moves is what precipitated the whole depression thing for me – all those years ago. I hope she is getting help, or talking to someone/therapist. It helps.

      Like

  6. theapplesinmyorchard January 27, 2019 / 2:54 pm

    I don’t want to hit the like button for this post. I’m sorry to hear how you are feeling, Peg. Praying for you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • peggyricewi January 27, 2019 / 3:09 pm

      Thanks for the prayers! I’ll be okay – it always goes away.

      Like

      • theapplesinmyorchard January 27, 2019 / 3:29 pm

        Just don’t wait to get help so you aren’t sucked deeper into the hole. I am hopeful your new doc will be able to help!

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Amy January 27, 2019 / 2:46 pm

    And because of your courage to be honest and share friends from far away can join in the praying – May you be sustained by Gods perfect love, and rest in His complete grace and and be kind to yourself! And May Jesus protect you!! ❤️🙏🏻

    Liked by 1 person

    • peggyricewi January 27, 2019 / 3:09 pm

      Thanks, Amy. And thanks for the prayers – they sustain me!

      Like

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