It’s baaack.

I spoke too soon in July. Depression is back.

It shouldn’t surprise me that much. The doctor and I reduced one of my medications a while back, and I am very susceptible to changes in my meds. As it was, I felt like I had been on the cusp of a depressive episode ever since we moved to Virginia over a year ago. So that change was probably enough to send me into the depressive spiral again, just over these past 4-6 weeks.

I didn’t admit it to anyone, until my psychiatrist asked me at today’s appointment how I was doing. Then I burst into tears.

I’ve been hiding it from everyone, even from myself. Felt ashamed, really.  Which is part of the depression. But I kept thinking I could fight it off, that the symptoms weren’t really there. The doctor added them up and said “It’s back.” And there’s relief in not trying to fight it anymore, but just give in and let the new medicine do it’s work, stop living in denial and accept that I’ve relapsed. I have depression. I’ve had it before and gotten better. I’ll get better again.

The past several weeks, I’ve cried a lot. Been incredibly lonely. Going through the motions of stuff, but not really wanting to do anything. The biggest red flag, though, was increased sleep. I’d go to bed in the middle of the day, for hours, just to escape. And I’d still sleep fine at night. Would stay in bed as long as I could because there was nothing to get up for. Same with sleeping in the day – why not, since there was no reason to be up. I’ve got nothing going on. No one needs me. No one will miss me. I can stay in bed and no one is the wiser.

I can’t remember the last time I’ve been this lonely, if ever. And that’s been true since we moved here. The only bright spot in my day is time with my husband. The rest is drudgery.

I haven’t felt like doing anything, though I go through the daily motions of work and errands. I felt pretty good on the friends and family camping trip, even read a couple of books. But here at home, I’d rather sleep than read. It’s hard to concentrate (another symptom of depression) so even mindless TV is difficult. Sleep is the easiest.

That was my biggest clue that something was wrong. I’ve never done the sleep thing before, though I’d known it to be a symptom of depression. That, along with the loss of interest in normal things, the loneliness and teariness. The negative self-talk, especially shaming talk. I’m not proud that I go to bed. I’m embarrassed. I kept thinking if I would just look on the bright side, count my blessings, work on gratitude and pray for contentment. But those things weren’t enough, and I was ashamed they weren’t working.

And all of this is part of depression. I told my psychiatrist, who pointed out the signs and told me I’d relapsed. He says we’ll get a handle on it. I hope so. I always have gotten better before.

 

12 thoughts on “It’s baaack.

  1. Mary Bartos August 21, 2017 / 1:08 pm

    And you will learn more useful stuff for other people to learn from also!
    We will pray it subsides SOON!
    Blessings, MAry B – Wisconsin MIPI

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Anne Snow August 21, 2017 / 12:10 pm

    Sending loads of love and support and prayers! How can we get some people in your life fast? I wish I lived next door. Put post it notes up on the wall, one each for everyone that loves you, then when you wake up you’ll see all the reasons to get up?!

    Liked by 1 person

    • peggyricewi August 21, 2017 / 12:12 pm

      Thanks, Anne. It helps to know I’m loved from miles away. Love you too!

      Like

  3. kbailey374 August 20, 2017 / 8:57 am

    I am so sorry darlin’… I am struggling w/ it too and YES it will pass! Love you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • peggyricewi August 20, 2017 / 9:04 am

      I’m sorry you’re struggling too. This thing is a beast, isn’t it! Hope you feel better soon. Love you too.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Sandy August 20, 2017 / 7:15 am

    This makes me so sad, Peggy. Mainly because I suspected and didn’t say anything/ask. I miss our morning/weekly coffee. With your change in schedule, shall we bring it back?

    Liked by 1 person

    • peggyricewi August 20, 2017 / 8:48 am

      How did you know?
      And yes, let’s do coffee again.

      Like

      • Sandy August 20, 2017 / 10:01 pm

        It was just a feeling I had. Text me some days/times that work for you.

        Like

  5. bweard August 19, 2017 / 9:10 am

    Keep Swimming, tomorrows a new day and a new fight. You can beat this, believe in yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. theapplesinmyorchard August 18, 2017 / 9:36 pm

    Oh, Peg. I am so sorry to hear this. I wish I could give you a big hug. You are loved. I love you and I miss you. Take Care My Friend. Your wisest sentence in your post is: “I have depression. I’ve had it before and gotten better. I’ll get better again.” You will get better again. Be patient with yourself. It will happen. Thanks for your bravery in letting those of us who know you as well as those who read your blog to know they are not alone, know about what you are going through. Keep writing. You have support. Love you, Carol

    Liked by 1 person

    • peggyricewi August 18, 2017 / 9:39 pm

      Thanks, Carol. I admit to feeling better already, now that I know what’s going on (again) and with the hope of med help.
      It’s just hard – and so lonely – in the meantime. Thanks for your sweet thoughts.

      Liked by 1 person

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