Sleepless

What. is. going. on?

We went to bed 3 hours ago, and I’m still wide awake. I tried chamomile tea. I tried warm milk. I tried Advil. This all in addition to the sleep med that I take. But it’s no use. I’m still wide awake.

Contrast that to other nights this week. Hubby was traveling, and I found myself bored and tired by 9pm, collapsing into bed and asleep by 9:30 at the latest.  And I’d get a full 10, even 12 hours of sleep! This happened all week long, until tonight.

Now here I am at 1:09am, typing a blog because I’m too awake to even close my eyes. They keep popping back open!

My mind isn’t racing with a long to-do list.  I’m not worried about anything. I’m not anxious for anyone. I’m just awake.

There are two variables to which I might be able to pinpoint a cause. One – I had a glass of wine right before bed. But I’ve done that many times, and have rarely had a problem falling asleep. Two – my husband is home and back in bed with me. Hmm. Perhaps I’ve gotten comfortable having the bed all to myself!

This second scenario would imply that I’m sprawling out in the middle of the mattress, hogging all the pillows and blankets, and taking over the bed. But this is not the case. I sleep on my side of the bed, even when he’s gone. I might occasionally pull the blankets my way, but I’m not sleeping down the center.

So what has caused this nighttime wakefulness? I haven’t had insomnia for several months – is it cyclical, and it’s time for me again? Is this going to be a repeat pattern, every few months? I can’t draw that conclusion from just one night of wide-awakeness.

The cat just wandered in, wondering why I’m awake. I’m sure. She usually has the house to herself at night! She sniffs my computer and then saunters off to explore another corner of the home. Maybe out to the garage, where she can hop through the open window and curl up in the seat of the car and nap. Oh, that sounds nice!

In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe. Psalm 4:8 NLT

32 Years and Counting

Today is my – make that “our” – 32nd wedding anniversary. He surprised me by sending a bouquet of roses and baby’s breath. He broadcasted “Happy Anniversary!” over our Google Home – he’s in PA and I’m in VA, but he still wished me a beautiful day.

He’s on the road right now, headed home for the weekend. I have white wine chilling so we can clink our glasses to 32 years of marriage.šŸ„‚

It hasn’t always been easy. There were tough times: the job he lost when the entire department was downsized; my several years of depression, including the lowest pit I’ve ever experienced.

Fun times, too: lots of camping and vacations; laughter around the family dinner table with the kids – at all different ages of their lives; driving the convertible with the top down (that’s a recent fun pastime!) and exploring back country roads (we’ve been doing that since before we were married).

There are some details about our wedding day I remember, and lots of memories are prompted by photos. I remember noticing that the candles next to the Unity Candle weren’t lit, and not hearing a word the pastor said as I worried what we would do (the pastor was prepared with a lighter, and he calmly came over to the candles and lit them so we could proceed with the ceremony). I recall my dress falling off my shoulders as we walked down the aisle together as husband and wife. I remember my uncle rushing away from the reception when an emergency came from down the road – someone had fallen off a low bridge, I think. I remember asking the photographer to take a picture of our rings, our hands together.

Other details are a blur. But the memory of the day itself is warm and full of promise and expectation.

And now, 32 years later, I realize I had no idea what was coming. None of the details match what I imagined that day. How could they? Who knows what the future will bring?

That goes for the next 32 years. Who knows what we’ll experience – what joys and tears and celebrations and struggles?

All I do know is … I’m grateful to God for this wonderful man I married all those years ago. And I look forward to the remaining adventures of our lives together, side by side.

Wellness Plan – Wrapping It Up

I’ve now written several blogs about my Wellness Recovery Action Plan, or WRAP. And it’s time to finish off this series.

The next two sections of the WRAP plan are entitled “When Things are Breaking Down or Getting Much Worse,” and “Crisis Plan.” I’m lumping these together because both point to severe symptoms, and the potential imminence for a relapse of my depression.

According to Wellness Recovery Action Plan (Advocates for Human Potential, Inc., copyright 2018), “sometimes, even when you’ve been making your best efforts to stay well, things can get a lot worse. Some people call this a breakdown, a setback, or a relapse….often your behavior changes so much that other people can tell something is wrong…Taking immediate action can make a difference in the outcome.” In fact, I might be able to avoid the Crisis part of my plan if I can successfully turn this situation around.

Some of my key indicators that things are getting much worse include that I am staying in bed, isolating. I feel anxiety and a heaviness in my chest, an urge to drive fast and recklessly, a desire to smoke e-cigarettes (I’m a non-smoker). I may have increased trouble concentrating, which was also a red flag in my Early Warning Signs.Ā  But in this case, it would be worse. I’d be feeling like a burden to everyone around me. I may have the desire to self-injure or have suicidal thoughts (called suicide ideation – thoughts, but not a plan), and I’d find myself unable to pray. I’d dread the future and ruminate on the past. I’d have flat affect – expressing very little emotion.

So what do I do if things get much worse? First thing – tell someone! My husband, sister, or close friend. Call my therapist and psych doc right away. Reduce caffeine – drink herbal tea instead of coffee – and sit in my glider, which I find very calming. I would try to Face Time my old therapist – he can often “talk me down.” I think I’d call in my second round of support – three other close friends who I know love me and would offer me encouragement and prayer. Perhaps, if these steps work, a relapse would not occur.

The Crisis Plan portion of the WRAP is designed to make it as easy as possible for people to help me, because if I am in a depression crisis, I might not be able to make my own decisions. It outlines who I want to help me – by name – and exactly what I want them to do for me. Things like get me to the hospital emergency room, sit with me, hold my hand. And what I don’t want done, like what medicines I can’t take. It even outlines my daytime and household responsibilities and who will do them, like care for the pets and pay my bills and contact and keep my prayer team updated.

After the crisis has passed, the Post-Crisis Plan is implemented. It’s a brief section of the WRAP where I identify things that worked in my WRAP Plan, and things that need to change. Perhaps there are people I need to thank for their help in my crisis; perhaps there are apologies or amends I need to make as a result of things I said or did during my crisis.Ā  This final portion of the WRAP allows me to step back into the responsibilities of my daily life, slowly, as I begin to return to my normal level of wellness. This may take time – crisis recovery is not immediate, and I will need to be patient with myself. But this is a good time to evaluate and make changes to my WRAP, as I can see what worked and what didn’t. Because post-crisis can be very introspective, it’s a good time to modify my WRAP to include stressors or early warning signs that I may have missed before. I can add to the Crisis portion of my plan while it’s still fresh in my memory – what additions do I need to make so that, heaven forbid, things go more smoothly the next time?

Ultimately, the goal of the WRAP is to help me avoid a depression crisis – to identify those markers ahead of time to avert another hospitalization or emotional break down. Because this plan is so thorough, I may be able to stay in remission for the rest of my life.

Wellness Plan – Early Warning Signs

The next step in the WRAP Plan is to list the signs that indicate I need to take action before things get worse. They are changes in the way I think, act or feel, so they are observable, either to myself or others.

This section of the Wellness Recovery Action Plan requires that I face my fears about the initial red flags which indicate an episode is possible. It’s more than just Stressors; it’s actual changes in my thinking and behaving. This is a key part to the WRAP – to recognize these signs as serious and do something about them before they get worse!

These are behaviors or attitudes that point to a potential problem – perhaps a descent into a mental illness episode. For me, indicators include things like listening to my music really loud – perhaps to drown out my spiraling negative thoughts. I apologize a lot, and have excessive guilty feelings. I have a strong desire to speak to my old-time long-term therapist, Ted. I find it hard to concentrate, even for a short TV sitcom. I begin to think “What’s the point?” which is an elusive question, as I don’t define “it;” I guess I just feel fatalistic. I desire to be alone with my self-blaming thoughts. I have trouble making decisions, feel easily overwhelmed, and have a lack of energy.

The Wellness Recovery Action Plan book (copyright 2018) suggests that I review this list of early warning signs regularly, perhaps even daily, so that I become familiar with them and can respond before things get worse. A list like this can be an inventory of emotions and behaviors to note. If I am experiencing several of them, I need to ask myself what’s going on, and why I’m feeling out of sorts. And I need to put the next part of my Action Plan into place.

The wellness tools I will use if I see these early warning signs are:

  • Tell my husband, sister, and friend
  • See my therapist
  • See my psych doc
  • Listen to my music playlists that are encouraging and uplifting
  • Have a coffee date with a friend
  • Rock in my glider
  • Try to interrupt the spiraling thoughts with the truth of God’s Word
  • Email, maybe even FaceTime, my old therapist.

Other actions might be to take a walk, or do some stretching exercises.

In the future, I might make this into two lists – one of actions I must take, and one of actions I might take, when I observe these early warning signs. And I can always go back to my Wellness Tool Box and pull activities from there to help me avert a depressive episode.

Wellness Plan – Stressors

If you’ve been reading this blog lately, you know I’ve been working on my Wellness Recovery Action Plan – WRAP. I invested in the guide from Mental Health Recovery – it gives more explanation, details and examples than the WRAP app did. I’m really glad I bought the book – I’ve found it very helpful, and have added to my Wellness Toolbox and the next step in the process, The Daily Plan.

The Daily Plan is an outline of what I look like – my moods and attitudes – and what I “do every day to stay well and stay on track with my goals.” (Reference: WRAP app) It includes an outline of a typical day of wellness. It was fairly easy to write.

The Stressors section was much more difficult. Stressors, sometimes known as triggers, are “things that happen that can cause a reaction. Sometimes they are reminders of specific events, or they may evoke a feeling that takes you back to a time when you felt helpless, scared, or out of control.” (Reference: Wellness Recovery Action Plan – Renewing Your Wellness Your Way, copyright 2018)

The first step was to write down “things that might make me feel unwell or throw me off track if they happened” (Reference: WRAP app) and just the question sparked anxiety in me. I started with a list of five stressors – certain times of year, when my husband travels, when my meds stop working, grief, and major life transitions. But as I worked on this section with help from the book, I came up with seven more. That’s a total of twelve potential stressors! Argh!

Thinking of these stressors was difficult – indeed, it caused a stress reaction in my body. Heart racing, shallow breathing, a lump in my throat. I put the list away several times to take mental breaks from it – had to calm down before I came back to it.

Working on the relief to those stressors brought relief to my physical reactions. Again, originally I had twelve stress relievers, but with the help of the book and deeper consideration, I came up with a total of 22 tools to use when stressors hit my life. Things like walking around the block, savoring a cup of tea or coffee, reading fiction, sitting in my glider, practicing deep breathing techniques, writing in my gratitude journal. These are good wellness tools to add to my mental health toolbox.

I know the process of writing the WRAP will continue to be difficult. The next two sections are When Things Are Breaking Down or Getting Much Worse, and Crisis Plan, which first caused me anxiety when I read about it. And while the point of the plan is steps toward mental health, it’s anxiety-producing in the process of writing it. But I’ll take my time and persevere, because I’m sure the end result – my personalized detailed wellness tool – will be worth it.

Post script – in an effort to be transparent and maybe helpful to someone else writing a WRAP plan – here is a complete list of my stress relievers:

  • See therapist
  • See psych doc
  • Tell husband, sister, and friend that I’m struggling
  • Nap
  • Walk around the block
  • Dance
  • Savor a cup of tea or coffee or mocha
  • Journal
  • Pray
  • Watch Netflix
  • Read fiction
  • Coloring books
  • Knit
  • Listen to playlists (I have several made for my “moods”)
  • Gratitude journal
  • Tell folks at Fresh Hope support group and ask for prayer
  • Coffee date w/friend
  • FaceTime w/my kids
  • Take a break from obligations (work, volunteering)
  • Practice deep breathing, relaxation techniques
  • Rock in my glider
  • Have a date with my husband
  • Take a trip to see the kids